Last week, I was speaking at a twitter spaces conversation about opportunities available for women in the Web3 space and after I shared the ones I am sure are specific to women, a statement the other speaker (vee) made took us down a rabbit hole about audacity and how important it is for women in this space especially and life in general.
*P.S this article is written from my lived experiences and it might not be your lived experience. I am a Nigerian woman living in Nigeria but I think that regardless of who you are and where you are from or live, the things I am sharing in this article would help you.
As a child, I couldn’t ask questions as much because I either got shot down or told that I ask too many questions. I was also told a lot that I am a woman and women should sit and listen, be seen and not heard. As an unfortunate consequence, I searched for answers everywhere else, in books, with my peers, and in movies. The answers I found were mostly wrong and when you combine that with my family situation (7 way-older siblings and parents born in the 1940s), I didn’t learn to think for myself early and I chased validation from others for a long time.
I was great at school work and I mainly was top of my class during my secondary school education. I had boys hit me at different instances because I was topping the class and according to them “they got beaten at home because a girl was first and not them”. It was very weird feedback and I was constantly confused because my family was very proud but from the rest of the world I heard things like “This one you are intelligent like this, it would be hard to find a husband o” “What are you doing all these things for, just calm down so you can settle down o”.
I watched the married women talk about how you have to not be too loud with your accomplishments and assets because if you outshine the men, they leave you. I always wondered why it was always preached when I was a child that women need men to be human enough or are not complete without men. It didn’t make a lot of sense to me because other than the obvious physical differences, there wasn’t a lot of difference and it just came down to upbringing.
Women here are conditioned to be subservient and not self-seeking. We are taught to wait for things to come to us and not actively seek them out. It’s as simple as not learning to tell someone you like them and ask them on a date or to be your partner. For these reasons, I am very compassionate toward women that I see who are not assertive because it is a systemic problem, and years of conditioning do not magically go away because someone tells you to be assertive.
All through my formal education, I consistently noticed that there are more girls leading their classes and excelling in many extracurriculars but in the long run, there are more men at the top of most professions. Now that I am older I understand that the long-reaching effects of patriarchy and sexism make most women stop trying.
I am happy for you though, you didn’t stop and that’s why you are reading this article. I congratulate you. The journey to audacity is long but rewarding and you are one step closer.
In the next couple of paragraphs, I will be outlining how you can become an audacious woman who reaches for her goals every time with confidence.
Ask questions every time:
When something doesn’t make sense or doesn’t sit right with you, ask questions. Don’t let things slide all the time because you want peace and don’t want to make people uncomfortable. The situation already makes you uncomfortable and you might as well tell them so. Most people might not realize when they are being sexist as it happens because they are also dealing with the same conditioning problem, so when you ask questions about why certain things are done or said, you bring important conversations to light and the person would both learn and most likely do better next time.
Be comfortable talking about money:
We are well aware of the gender pay gap and the best way to find out if you are being underpaid is by asking these simple questions to the people you work with if your company’s salary scale isn’t public knowledge.
- What’s your monthly take-home?
- How is your contract set up, what other benefits are you getting?
After you have gotten this information, then get context, what did they do differently? If the only difference is that they are not a woman and you are actually professionally ahead of them, it’s time to bring out the big guns and fight. Bring it up with the assigned authority.
Ask for things:
If you believe that you deserve more money or perks or anything at all, ask for it. If you want a fully funded vacation if you help the company hit a certain goal, ask for it. If you are bringing in a substantial amount, ask for a percentage of the net income. Always ask for things to help you work better or bonuses when you believe you deserve them. The worst that can happen is that they say no.
Always ask for more money:
For salary negotiations or everything else you would be getting paid for, always ask for more money. Ask for more money because there is usually a budget to cover for things like that.
Put in 115%:
Truth is the world is broken and to get 50% of the opportunities, you have to do 100% of the work. You would likely have to prove yourself for the first few years and ask for the hard stuff consistently. You might get people saying “I didn’t want to stress you, that’s why I didn’t give you the harder task” While that sounds cute, it’s not good for your career. You need to do the hard stuff because that’s how you grow. Challenge yourself to do more always, and let it be obvious to everybody that you know what you are doing 115% and you can handle your corner.
Be loud with your skills and accomplishments:
Blow your trumpet consistently, and share your work/accomplishments on social media and even in meetings. Do not downplay the impact of your work, acknowledge how you helped the team meet its goals, and do not be modest about it.
Go after things you are not qualified for:
Apply for everything, just apply. Once you meet 30% of the requirements, apply. You might fit perfectly and be the required person they never knew they wanted.
Be a challenger:
Challenge all the norms that do not work. When people ask sexist questions or behave in a sexist way to you, point it out and address it quickly. You are going to get a reputation for being too loud, but trust me, you are just being a regular human. People just feel women are doing too much when they assertively ask for things that they deserve. That’s not your problem though, block out the noise and challenge more things.
Be diplomatic with it sometimes:
Wisdom is profitable to direct. Always read the room and respond accordingly. There are times when you need to speak up in a room full of people and other times you need to schedule a phone conversation. It might be that they need to incorporate systemic improvements. You could maybe ask for a quarterly conversation about how people can identify when they are being sexist or topics around that in your workplace.
You will fail at audacity sometimes:
On some days you will not have the fight and you would just want some ease and that’s okay. You are fighting years of ingrained conditioning to be and do less, so rest up because the journey is long. There will also be a lot of pushback as you start to take up space and you will most likely not be diplomatic or kind and that’s okay. When these things happen, give yourself grace, hold space for your mistakes and congratulate yourself for taking the right steps. Also, note that being diplomatic or kind doesn’t mean things would go smoothly. It simply means you are handling things with kindness where necessary and it’s great to be kind.
Prepare to lose some:
A woman taking up space frightens a lot of people and what it eventually means is that you will lose some opportunities because of patriarchy and sexism. The great part about this is that you will gain a lot more than you would have if you stayed quiet and played small.
Build community
Always be in a community of women in your field and pass on opportunities to them. Be open to other women and people in your field about how much you earn and you will find out quickly if you are being underpaid.
In conclusion, an entire generation of women has challenged many norms, and that’s why many issues are being brought to light and solved. It’s your turn to take up space as much as you can so that the next generation of women will not have to fight the battles in front of you.
Go ye and be audacious.
